Does monogamy exist? Or is it a fairytale?

When I was twenty-five years old, I dated a thirty-four-year-old. I told him how all my friends are getting married, and I felt left out. He laughed and said, “you’re at the age everyone gets married, I’m at the age they all get divorced” and that stuck with me. Now I’m thirty-four years old, and after back-to-back failed relationships, I wonder, does monogamy even exist? Or is it a fairytale? Almost 50 percent of all marriages end up in divorce in the United States. My parents are divorced, most of my friend’s parents are divorced so what’s the point? Why do we even bother going through the pain and financial struggles of tying the knot when there’s a 50% chance it won’t work out? Also, who’s at fault? Why are so many people getting divorced?

According to Divorce.com, 59% of divorces occur because of infidelity (yikes). Even though couples have vowed to be faithful to one another, it seems monogamy is something most human beings are incapable of. Personally, I’m pretty old fashioned when it comes to relationships. When I love someone, I don’t need anyone else. In fact, I fall in love so deeply with the person I’m with, I genuinely don’t want anyone else! So, what drives people to cheat? Is it the outdated, unrealistic, concept of monogamy that constricts our natural sexual desires making it impossible to stay faithful to one another? Partially, yes. But not only! Turns out, two big causes that lead to cheating these days are related to social media and mental illness.

Over the past few months, I have watched many podcasts about how social media has had a negative effect on people’s relationships. These days, one in seven divorces involve social media. Regular arguments revolve around men “liking” other women’s photos, following other women, and even “sliding” into their DM’s. Technically, some may argue that this exactly cheating but in today’s world, if you ask me, it is. Being in a relationship comes with restrictions, you can’t eat the cake and leave it full right? So, you can’t act single when you’re in a relationship. There’s also a fine line between “just being friendly” and flirting. One key point I’ve heard women talk about in podcasts is “sexual discipline”. There is no denying that there are plenty of beautiful women roaming the world, and sure, its ok to look! But a man who has sexual discipline will be able to draw a line and not cross it. “Look but don’t touch!” – when a man “likes” a photo, comments, or even DM's another woman, that’s when he turns the “looking” into “touching”. What I don’t understand is, if certain men have such strong sexual desires, why even bother being in a relationship? Why make that commitment? Just be single.

In an article titled “Is Monogamy natural” written by Lawrence Joseph, a professor of psychology, Joseph states “Such individuals may feel that monogamy is a prison that traps them in a permanent arrangement that is sexually frustrating and devoid of emotional intimacy. They stay in it only out of guilt or insecurity while fantasizing about something better”. “Many of us are failed monogamists in that we aspire to a lifelong and satisfying monogamous relationship but because we aren’t good at it, we don’t achieve what we most desire in life. People who are securely attached, authentic, and high in empathy with good communication skills tend to be better at monogamy than people that are insecurely attached, high in narcissism, fake, and low in empathy with poor communication skills”. As somebody who has gotten cheated on, this makes a lot of sense. Yes, of course, it’s natural for us to be attracted to other people but having the ability to go behind your partner’s back and hurt them says a lot about a person’s character. It comes as no surprise that infidelity is related to mental illness (yes, being a narcissist is a mental illness) especially when there are so many mentally ill people out there is makes sense that we would accidentally marry one or get into a relationship with one! Narcissists and sociopaths are known for their lack of compassion and understanding. Due to their “high and mighty”, egotistical mentality, they tend to lack sexual discipline because in their minds, they could do no wrong!

So what did I conclude from all this? Monogamy does exist, but it's hard to find. Temptations are everywhere, but if you find a strong disciplined partner who truly truly wants a relationship it could work.

……Or maybe were all just mentally ill and were doomed.